Southwest Airlines Training Video

Southwest Airlines Safety Inspection Training... by NationalLampoon

Airline Commercials

Here's a couple that you might have missed.

Southern Hospitality

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South.
Some of you will enjoy this more than others.... Southerners can be so
Polite!

Atlanta Tower: "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on
Runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta . Acknowledge cleared to land on
Infidel's' runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta Tower: " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta . We are cleared to land on infidel's
Runway 27L. -Allah is Great."

Pause....
Saudi Air: "ATLANTA TOWER - ATLANTA TOWER !"
Atlanta Tower: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR
THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE
ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . . . . . INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"

Atlanta Tower: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus.
Y'all go on ahead now and tell Allah "hey" for us

The History of Crew Chiefs

A Crew Chief is responsible for the day to day condition of the aircraft assigned to them. The best crew chiefs are assigned to fighter squadrons. Real crew chiefs have nothing what so ever to do with NASCAR. Why would they? Crew chiefs that fuck up really bad or show no talent work on helicopters or (GOD FORBID!) cargo aircraft.

Crew chiefs own their jet and if a pilot is really polite and not running late, the Crew Chief will allow the pilot to fly "his" aircraft. Pilots spend most of their time drinking and fucking off doing whatever pilots do between their occasional visits to the jet. Crew Chiefs live with their jet. They stay with their jet in blazing hot days, rain, snow, through the night, during air raids and mortar attacks. Crew chiefs make Postal Workers look like pussies.

Read on Sports Fans.

NO DONG Missile on Launch Pad

April 2 -- Amid reports that it is fueling a missile for launch as soon as this weekend, North Korea escalated threats on Thursday against a worried neighbor, warning that it would attack "major targets" in Japan if Tokyo shot the missile down.

North Korea has shifted MiG-23 fighter jets to its east coast, near the missile launch site, according to South Korean media reports.

President Obama, in London for the Group of 20 summit, criticized the launch Wednesday as a "provocative act" that would violate a United Nations resolution and trigger a response from the U.N. Security Council. The leaders of Japan and South Korea agreed in London that the launch, if it occurred, should be addressed by the Security Council.

The three countries have dispatched ships with antimissile systems to monitor the launch, which they describe as a test of a long-range ballistic missile that could fly as far as the western United States. North Korea is trying to miniaturize nuclear warheads to fit atop its growing arsenal of missiles, U.S. intelligence officials have said.

North Korea says the missile is part of a peaceful research effort to put a communications satellite into orbit.

Merry Christmas

Dear Captain

Best TDY Patch

TDY is a term used in the U.S. Air Force which means "Temporary Duty". Which usually means going somewhere other than your home base for training. While on TDY people tend to let their hair down and party a little more than usual. Much of this happens in Officer and NCO clubs on base. There are times that one might find oneself in uniform.
"Who was that?" Is a common question and at those time it's easiest to track the "celebrity" down to his or her unit by checking out the squadron patch worn on the uniform. TDY's are also occasion to where unauthorized patches.

Hence, we have a winner. This is an actual patch worn while TDY. No photoshopping here.

The Secret Life of Crew Chiefs

Who are these guys??? Which unit? They're good.

F-15E Mudhens in Combat

422 Eagle Holiday Greetings

Here's a video greeting card from the boys and girls of the 422nd Operational, Test and Evaluation Squadron (Eagle Division), Nellis AFB, Nevada.

Yes the F-15 is STILL grounded.

What the Hell is He Talking About???

Like any organization the USAF has a language of their own. I humbly offer some examples.

AIM:

Air-Intercept Missile

Bear:

The Electronic Warfare Officer (EWO), the GIB. Refers to pilot’s opinion that a trained bear can replace the GIB. Also a Tu-95 Russian Bomber.

The Blue Zoo:

The United States Air Force Academy at Colorado Springs, Colorado. Also known as “Colorado Kool-Aid U” and “The Colorado Home for Wayward Boys”

FUF:

Fucker Up Front. Pilot in two seat aircraft such as an F-4 Phantom.

GIB:

Guy in Back. Slang term for WSO, RIO, and B/N. The guy behind the FUF.

Going to Guns:

Switching to cannon. Assuming leadership. Taking control of any situation.

Hittles:

The opposite of Missiles. (See- Missiles)

Local talent:

Derogatory term used to desribe any female living near an Air Force Base who does nothing but have sex and use airmen for money. Said females have usually been married and divorced at least three times before they turn 25.

Missles:

Objects that fall off the rail and do whatever they want. The opposite of Hittles.

One in the Hangar:

Pregnant.

Rhino:

The F-4 Phantom II in all its Glory. An unattractive WAF.

The Sand Box:

Iraq.

SAM:
Surface-to-Air Missile.

Touch and Go's:

Repeatedly falling asleep in a meeting or a class while trying desperately to stay awake. After nodding off, the person's head will dip forward almost to his chest, whereupon he will snap back into a very brief state of semi-consciousness and repeat the process. Named after practice landings where the aircraft descends, briefly touches down while still rolling forward, and quickly becomes airborne again.

T-birds:

The Thunderbirds, the USAF Air Demonstration Team. Also known as the “T-Kids” and “Thunder Chickens”.

TDY:

Temporary Duty Assignment. A road trip to a far distant and usually fucked up dirty country.

WAF:

Women of the Air Force. A female. Term replaced by generic “Airman” because of the widespread use of “We All Fuck”.

Download the whole USAF Slang Dictionary here.

TWO

The Four things a Wingman is authorized to say are:
1. "Two".
2. "Two is BINGO fuel."
3. "Lead is on fire."
4. "I'll take the fat one".


The Four things an Assistant Crew Chief is authorized to say are:
1. "I already fixed that."
2. "I'll stay late."
3. "I'm going for beer."

4. "I'll take the fat one."

All Female Tanker Crew

For the record: It's not a cockpit, it's a box office.

NASA Celebrates 50th Anniversary

In honor of the 50th anniversary of NASA, I humbly offer this story.


Good Luck Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usually com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the Lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark:

"Good luck Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

But, on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Apparently a true story.

AMC Patch

Got this in today's email. I couldn't resist.

Airline Names

Many people don't know why airlines are named what they are. Here are some examples:

TWA: Travel with Arabs
DELTA: Don't even let them aboard.
DELTA: Doesn't ever leave the airport.
RENO AIR: Rarely early, never on time. Always in Repair
ATA: Alcoholics Transporting Alcoholics
QANTAS: Quite A Nice Trip, Any Survivors?
QANTAS: Queers and Nancy Types as Stewards.
LUFTHANSA: Let Us Fuck The Horses, As No Stewardesses Available
BOAC: Bloody Old and Careless
JAL: Japan Arrives Late (Like Dec 7, 1941)
PSA: Probably will Stay Airborne.

The Air Force Chicken Crosses the Road

Here are some of my favorites....

C-130 crewmember:
Just put it in back and let's go.

C-17 crewmember:
I ordered a no. 4 with Turkey and ham, NOT chicken. Besides, where the heck are my condiments?! We ain't taking off til' I get my condiments!!!

Fighter dude:
The Chicken was only in the road for 30 seconds. There was no hazard. I saw my shot and I took it.

Navigator Dude:
What road?

Air Force Personnel Center:
Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion.

Air National Guard:
Due to a BRAC closure the Chicken was forced to cross the road. The Chicken is authorized full Per Deum and Travel Expenses while crossing the road. Upon crossing, the Chicken will be assigned to the Turkey Wing and assist them with preparations for their upcoming Operation Thanksgiving deployment.

Congress:
We voted for the chicken to go onto the road. We support the Chicken while it’s in the road. We want a definite time and date that the Chicken will be off the road.

Air Demonstration Squadron:
The Chicken crosses the road, maintaining minimum separation with five other chickens, while a groovy soundtrack plays in the background.

Operational Test and Evaluation Squadron:
The chicken first crosses the road normally. Then crosses back while hopping on its left foot. Then it crosses a third time, but this time hopping on it's right foot. Then entire procedure is repeated at night.

Aggressor Squadron:
Four chickens disguised as ducks hide beside the road and pounce on any chicken they see crossing the road.

Aircraft Maintenance:
The chicken was scheduled to cross the road, so we greened up three spares, including the phase chicken. When it came time for the chicken to cross the road, he ground aborted at the side of the road, came back, and stepped to a spare, which he also ground aborted. Before the chicken could step to the third spare he missed his road crossing window. Maintenance supervision blamed the incident on bad housekeeping and made the entire AMU show up on a Saturday for open ranks and formation marching, to make sure the importance of the chicken crossing the road was pounded into our skulls.

Here's the entire list.

Newbie Prank

This one was pulled on me. It is a great one to pull on an officer or senior NCO.

I arrived at good old Hahn AB. It was December and snowy and cold. My Flight Chief told me to go ride around in the expedetor truck to get to know everyone and see where everything was.

Lamb to slaughter, I jump the expeditor truck. Grabbing a spot on the bench I noticed there are about five people there already.

The guy next to me says ....

"Hi, I'm Mike. Welcome to Germany."

Normal so far....

"I'm Walt, nice to meet you.", I replied.

The next guy holds out his hand. "Hi, I'm Mike."
The next guy, "I'm Mike."
"Mike's the name."

By the time I got to the fifth guy I said, "I guess you're Mike too."

"Yep".

A quick check of line badges revealed that they were all named "Mike".

Over the years we had a couple of sets of "Mikes", some "Joes", "Jims" and even "Davids".

Try it sometime. Great way to "Press to Test" the new Boss.

Predator Eulogy

"Trip" and "Snooze" are a couple of F-16 pilots who happen to sing. Actually, a lot of pilots sing, these guys are good at it. A while back they started emailing me to inquire about the F-16 bumper stickers I do.

One thing leads to another and they invite me out to a "gig" they were having at the Las Vegas Club. As it turns out, it was a Maintenance/Ops party for a squadron wrapping up their Red Flag TDY. Sporting my Lucky Puppy t-shirt, I infiltrated the party.

They opened with "Predator Eulogy". I turned to this guy standing next to me and said,

"The Thunderbirds are upgrading in 2008".
The guy says,
"What?"
"The Thunderbirds are upgrading in 2008", I repeated.
"What did you say??", jeez this guy is deaf.

"I said, the Thunderbirds are upgrading to the Predator in 2008!"

He then gives me a weird look and whips out his business card. OMG! He's a Thunderkid! He then starts rolling his beer on the table.

"Okay, the line at the bar is kinda long but I'll go get you one."
"Nevermind", he says. "I was just pulling your chain."
"Oh no, I insist. We crew chiefs are used to giving you Thunderbirds whatever you want."

At that point he started to give me the "I'm not worthy" bow and I went and got him a beer.

The song goes something like this.....

DOS GRINGOS ROCK!